Dreamcatcher: yet I can't even dream a dream











I FEEL LIKE DYING NOW. TWO HOURS IN BED AND IM STILL WIDE AWAKE. HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE CHEM?!!

ACTUALLY I WANTED TO GET IPHONE AFTER ALEVELS, WHEN I WORK. I CANT IMAGINE MYSELF SURVIVING ON POTATOES IN ORDER TO PAY FOR IT HUR LOL MEHHH. BUT AFTER TONIGHT'S SLEEPLESS NIGHT I DECIDED I NEED IT.


AT LEAST I NO LONGER HAVE TO SMUGGLE OUT TO BLOG/TWEET/ENTERTAIN MYSELF.
NOR WAIT FOR DONKEY YEARS FOR MY PHONE TO CONNECT. (REALLY DAMN SLOW; PISSES ME LIKE MAD MAN)


I DONT KNOW WHETHER IT'S PRE-EXAMS SYNDROME OR OVER-THINKING. BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE AND THE PAST AND I FEEL SHO SAD NAO = CANT SLEEP.
HIAK YA WHATEVS. LUCKILY I'M TEXTING SOMEONE I DONT EVEN BELIEVE IM TEXTING. LIFE IS SO WEIRD, SOMETIMES.


AND THE BIG IRONY IN LIFE: YOU WANT HER YET SHE DON'T WANT YOU. SHE WANTS HIM YET HE DON'T WANT HER.



YEAH, IT'S THAT SHIT (LITERALLY) CLOTTING MY MIND FOR THE PAST GOD-DAMN 2 HOURS.... THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY SLEEP. T_____T



JIELIN YOU BETTER DON'T FALL ASLEEP DURING CHEM TOMORROW IF NOT YES, YOU'LL DIE IN THE SEA I TELL YOU.

OKAY IM ALONE IN THE LIVING ROOM I CAN HEAR PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS AND STUFF. AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT....



LAST THING: IM NOT TIRED, AT ALL.

他说他很爱我，可是每次出去吃饭都要让我等半个钟才到。 每次去的还是同一间餐厅，终于我再也忍不住等待我提出了分手，他低着头说了句：“对不起每次让你等那么久…” 一天我回到了我们吃饭的餐厅发现味道变了，我问老板为什么？老板说以前有个男的总爱来这亲自为女友下厨..

This made me teared...

In front of her, her future
She saw one path separating into the other.
The choice don't vary, it's between the first or the second.
She's left with now, or never.

With each passing second, every step is taken.
With who at the end, that will be another question.

Feed on my self-esteem until none is left








Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
School.
Didn't even realise I didn't blog for quite some time. Weird.

School is so busy nowadays. I will give up computer time for shopping, tv and sleep. Been sleeping before 12. Or 12.30am. Good good.


Got some stuff these few days.
1. Pens
2. Vans
3. Hair stuff. Go B1 chameleon today. Everything 10 for $5. How to resist?!

Not very nice+new but there were some good stuff. Anyhow, I need something other than all the frustrating shit I've been going through. 
Got 20 items in total for $10. Worth it.
Love the zebra print hair tie.



----
Woke up super late today. Rushing like mad. Forgot to bring most of my work fml. Stoning throughout most of the lessons. Mood was horrible.






Sometimes it's pretty hard.

"When someone asked you what's wrong. You couldn't answer because they were the reason"
A quote I can never comprehend, until today.

I'm easily influenced and tend to change my opinion on things if you try to reason it out.


It was driving me crazy because sometimes people don't understand.
The thing is, if I got it wrong once, it's alright, I'd try again. Twice, thrice.. etc. But come to a point when I'm so scared of making any errors deemed "wrong" in their eyes I can't do/like what I want anymore.


People are so quick to pass judgment and they never consider how you'd feel about it.
Even if you dislike something, phrase them in a better way?

Being truthful is good but not to the extent you forget others do have feelings too.
Everyone views different things differently. 



When I open up, people either don't care or judge. So, what's the point?
Extremely weird to come out from my mouth but this is exactly how I feel nowadays.




I'm still a happy girl after everything but maybe just teeny bit less happy.

I FORGOT WHEN I SLEPT PAST 10 ALL THE WAY TO 11!!! all the early tuition and school.

So shiok I want more of it!
Anyhow, if you read my tweets/fb, obviously something happened in the house again yo.

Idk how this is going to stop, or how to handle it anymore. If I post it on fb then quite obvious I want her to read and maybe possibly think a little? Shes on fb most of the time yeah.


And I really dk should I give her that list of all the things she've use. They are not public goods okay. When she consume 1 I've 1 less for myself.  so xi Qi wo because she's so stingy. Every month earn nearly 1k working part time and ALWAYS telling mum how poor she is... Asking them for money for every single shit. Parents expect me to pay my own uni fees? Idk-.- but what's with paying all the shit for her??

Okay this shan't turn into a hate post...


The main point is, despite all this, I'm thinking, should I get something for her as her present? 21. It's a pretty big thing. I used to give her present every year when I was younger.. And they are not cheap at all plus things she like. What she buy for both me and my Sid is value dollar things oh yeahhh? Not to mention she just conveniently forget about t. So I stop. Every year it is like this. I get presents, plan birthdays for them and they just forget about 18/5z. This is a big deal because do you know how much I really look forward to it. Even a simple cake and waking up to a bear keychain. But things will never be the sane?



Middle chIld-___-