Feed on my self-esteem until none is left








Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
School.
Didn't even realise I didn't blog for quite some time. Weird.

School is so busy nowadays. I will give up computer time for shopping, tv and sleep. Been sleeping before 12. Or 12.30am. Good good.


Got some stuff these few days.
1. Pens
2. Vans
3. Hair stuff. Go B1 chameleon today. Everything 10 for $5. How to resist?!

Not very nice+new but there were some good stuff. Anyhow, I need something other than all the frustrating shit I've been going through. 
Got 20 items in total for $10. Worth it.
Love the zebra print hair tie.



----
Woke up super late today. Rushing like mad. Forgot to bring most of my work fml. Stoning throughout most of the lessons. Mood was horrible.






Sometimes it's pretty hard.

"When someone asked you what's wrong. You couldn't answer because they were the reason"
A quote I can never comprehend, until today.

I'm easily influenced and tend to change my opinion on things if you try to reason it out.


It was driving me crazy because sometimes people don't understand.
The thing is, if I got it wrong once, it's alright, I'd try again. Twice, thrice.. etc. But come to a point when I'm so scared of making any errors deemed "wrong" in their eyes I can't do/like what I want anymore.


People are so quick to pass judgment and they never consider how you'd feel about it.
Even if you dislike something, phrase them in a better way?

Being truthful is good but not to the extent you forget others do have feelings too.
Everyone views different things differently. 



When I open up, people either don't care or judge. So, what's the point?
Extremely weird to come out from my mouth but this is exactly how I feel nowadays.




I'm still a happy girl after everything but maybe just teeny bit less happy.

I wouldn't say the results didn't have an impact on me. It did, for a second. I stopped feeling sad over things pretty quickly nowadays. I guess time is really running up. Both for my studies and for my life?
That's what I feel constantly anyway. So it wouldn't help if I'm down. Why not cheer up and work harder? Hmm yeap that's what I plan to do.



Went to the library to do some work today. Finished only Maths. Daniel was there throughout to accompany the lonely soul~ He was busy playing cow vs alien game on iphone, 60+k high score. Mad man. I played many many many rounds before hitting a mere 14k. Not bad actually. I'm not someone good in games, no matter what type.. Okay maybe I'm pretty good in those detective/mystery solving games... when they make sense. xo


Those are my favourite too.



My photo of the day super cute right?! It is a birthday gift from one of my students. So sweet of her.

Alright, time to finish my econs. Maybe I'll try Physics again if I've time. I have jia hao yue yuan tonight and after which, 1 hour of HP. God I think I'm watching the last part next week or what. Which is pretty sad. Afterall, everyone would be done with it and I'm only catching it like.. next week. I can't remember most of the things so  I'm planning to rewatch them. But... I can never finish rewatching all the potters before Thurs. Impossible. Hope I will be going for a movie marathon with fishball mei (new name yo) this coming Sat, if possible.

Gonna stock up on snacks real soon. C:


Below is a chunk of words and if you spent 1 minute to read, perhaps you'd feel it is true too.
xoxo,

I never felt so much in a day before. Yesterday somebody, not sure whether it is an accident or not, jumped. I'm like searching for words to use to write this post. It is hard. Hard to express what I want to say. A mixture of emotions. No, turmoil, a state of blank.


She is not someone I know but I'm super lost and sad at that moment. Well, she fell right next to my house and I have a clear view of everything.


Life, so fragile. 




I did not witness the whole process of... death. I'm thankful I didn't. Couldn't sleep last night and mind was all messed up just by looking at the aftermath. I would certainly go bonkers if I did.
Thank god, literally.


So this was what happened. I napped like 3 times yesterday. So mad tired and I'm aching so badly because of that irritating monthly cycle. Imagine I didn't sleep, I would have heard the bangs, the screams, the commotions. Me being myself, I would definitely check it out.

And that will be the worst choice of my life.
I know, I always watch people killing one another, eating each other blahblahblah on tv but when it comes to real life situations, I don't think I'm fit to handle it.




Thank you all the aches and sores.



Anyhow, I only realised this whole thing when I'm keeping the laundry at 7pm. Was shocked when I see a policeman downstairs with a tent.

Called sm but she didn't pick up. Her phone >.<. I'm so lost, seriously lost. Called mum and only managed to calm down when sister reached home.


A lot of people are.
But I ain't. 



I know, who don't die? In fact, people die every single day for every other reason. But I never thought it'd be so near to me. So near. It's like watching a movie in 3d. Yet, it is not something you can brush off after the whole 'show' ended.




I cannot imagine what I'd do if someone close passed away. I can't. Plain crazy.



I'm not afraid or anything because I've nothing to do with this whole thing.
I'm just affected. Traumatised. Shocked. And perhaps, depressed as well.
I can't help to wonder how her family is going to handle this. Pray everything will be better though words can't change the fact forever.


I hate to say this but this is part and parcel of life.
Now I only hope my family, friends and love ones stay with me, till death do us apart.



From now on, I would want to create more happy memories, for myself and for others. Because in life, you will never know what happen next.


You too,  okay?

I FORGOT WHEN I SLEPT PAST 10 ALL THE WAY TO 11!!! all the early tuition and school.

So shiok I want more of it!
Anyhow, if you read my tweets/fb, obviously something happened in the house again yo.

Idk how this is going to stop, or how to handle it anymore. If I post it on fb then quite obvious I want her to read and maybe possibly think a little? Shes on fb most of the time yeah.


And I really dk should I give her that list of all the things she've use. They are not public goods okay. When she consume 1 I've 1 less for myself.  so xi Qi wo because she's so stingy. Every month earn nearly 1k working part time and ALWAYS telling mum how poor she is... Asking them for money for every single shit. Parents expect me to pay my own uni fees? Idk-.- but what's with paying all the shit for her??

Okay this shan't turn into a hate post...


The main point is, despite all this, I'm thinking, should I get something for her as her present? 21. It's a pretty big thing. I used to give her present every year when I was younger.. And they are not cheap at all plus things she like. What she buy for both me and my Sid is value dollar things oh yeahhh? Not to mention she just conveniently forget about t. So I stop. Every year it is like this. I get presents, plan birthdays for them and they just forget about 18/5z. This is a big deal because do you know how much I really look forward to it. Even a simple cake and waking up to a bear keychain. But things will never be the sane?



Middle chIld-___-

Feel super dizzy during tuition just now. Yes I'm officially sick.
Head hits like crazy. Blog next time.
Time to catch some sleep, pop a couple of pills and pray I get better.


Y U NO COME YTD?
So many homework to finish today you know or not?!!

 Check tumblr. Reblog a whole lot of stuff because typing is tough. Love.

Bad day. Bad day. *chants away*

1. Woke up at 2pm when I've tuition at 10.30am.
2. She's still pissing me like crazy every single moment.
3. A lot of packing to do
4. My hand hurts.


School is tomorrow.

That's means hectic lifestyle, again.
Rushing homework, more homework, study, learn bleh.
The cycle repeats.



I'm losing interest in blogging. -.- Yes I can't believe it.
I guess you are bored reading at posts like this.
Nowadays people are telling me blogs are boring, not interesting, cannot follow, retarded blahblahblah.

However, do they know how much does it takes to write out a decent post?



Every single word, every single picture takes time and effort.
I've to read my post again and again to make sure they are more or less coherent. Unless I'm really tired and will only do the editing the next day/couple of days.



Because it is a part of my life I can never omit.

The emotions I feel right now, at this very moment, will be forgotten in no time. However when I pen it down right here, I'll recall when I read this.



And god, I'm actually losing interest in something so important?




If only you read them as how I write them. 

Meh I'm an angry girl blogging in the library. I want to stab someone with a RSB. (my new weapon). Bloody potent.


Waiting for the girls to reach lib so I can grab something to fill my deflated stomach.

I'm pissed yea pissed.



There's actually something i want to share. But I'm not sure whether you will get it or not..

Anyhow, here it is:
Love i8.
something that meant so much. You geddit?

If you know, or if you don't, this period has been a rough patch for JL. Almost to the point of suicidal.
But I'm fine now. Come, I'm not going to stop moving forward no matter what. Blahblah.


I did blog. I'm also not exactly sure why it didn't appear. Weird, weird.


Basically I ain't going to disclose anything here, not that it's anything glamorous.
Let's see how things go, okay.




Let me first thank people who showed concern for the past few days. I'm really grateful. I wonder how can I press on without them around.
People that tried means to cheer me up (Yes I did feel better)
People that came all the way down from faraway places (outside woodlands area) to accompany me.
People who text/twitter/fb/msn me.
Love them a lot.

A really brief update
1. SM2 peeps gathering on sat after camp.
2. movie（my ex2) and sw house on mon.





Today..... I finally said my piece. I will stop coaching one of the kids. Well.... Seriously, I don't wanna waste time on someone who is unwilling to learn. I ain't a saint or what. Furthermore I've already done my very best.



It's up to him whether he wants to learn or not.




Giving up, anything for that matter, isn't in JL's dictionary. But I realised there are things we have to put down in order to move forward.



My philosophy is if you're good to me, I'll be better to you.
If you try to stay in my life, I'll make sure you do.

Just realised I forgot to blog about Sat.
So here it is.

Went to meet y first, talked about vday (getting her present is a chore), bai nian a little before heading to Ape's house.

Basically I'm cai shen ye. Go there give moneh only.

Lost quite a bit, like 6 bux altogether?



Had a few rounds of in-between. Did not join the peeps for poker.
Ape's luck is super good!


Anyhow, sw and I were not bored as we were hooked on the game "bubble bobble"!.
If you have been reading/know me, you know I really love to play that shit! Childhood thing!
:D


Awesome or what?
We braced through many many levels and I think we stopped at aroubd 50+? Tired.




The guys went off and the mj crazy girls continued.

Touched by sw&Ape's notes. (Though there's grammar errors) D:


Thank you Sw, Yq, Ape, Vinus, tyx, tyx's mummy and wj for vday presents!
And an upcoming vday makeup lunch treat hahahah hello good food.

Alright I'm going to burn the essential oil (DAMN GOOD STUFF), do some work and vola! Sleep.

Super a lot of tags for this post!

No words can express how down I'm feeling right now. My life is in a fucking mess and I can do nothing to help, at all. I never felt so helpless before, never. I feel sad. Sad is a word I never really understood until today, this very moment.

Today wasn't a good day.


I studied carbonyl (dk for what) so left the important ones, untouched. Who can be more stupid than me?
I seriously can't find an answer.
Well, that isn't any big deal cause it's my fault for not preparing for it earlier. No one to blame.


I hardly dwell over unhappy stuff in studies. I know I can do better if I have prepared for it and that's makes everything better. At least I know I can. Just put in the effort.




However, what happened was really too much for me to take.




Who the hell injured his/her backbone during standing board jump? You got your answer, me.



It's hurts as though someone is constantly pounding into that area. Hurts so much every when I'm sitting.
I never hurt my back before so I am really at a loss now.
Well, I hope salonpas works, provided I can buy one by today. If not, I really doubt whether I can get out of bed tomorrow.


That's not exactly something that has the capability to crush me like a peanut.


I checked the weather forecast. A supposedly cloudy day turns out to be a hot-wet day. Hot initially and poured later. Glad the rain stopped.

Rain will dampen my mood for sure. Especially when I'm outdoors. Nothing makes me as pissed off as soaking wet shoes, damped paper (which will crumple/tear) and smelly clothes.


Well, if rain do bring me down I would most probably die of depression by now.




Something else happened.






In my whole entire life, I never really lost anything, physically.
The most is some skin when I suffer from sun burn, some hair when I chop them off, some nails when I clip them, some blood when I hurt myself... Nothing irreplaceable.


Who really bothers about material-loss anyway?
They are not born with you to start with.





However, just a moment ago my whole toe nail dropped off.
I don't know how to react. Calm yet dying. Mixed feelings.


The best solution is probably google for answers (since I doubt I know anyone whose toenail dropped off).
Freaked out by the results. Tell me, how?


All I know is cry, continue to google, bandage my toe and hope it will heal by tmr.
This year is really bad for rooster.

Tell yourself this.



the wind is shaking the windows,and over my small room,
the stars fill up the sky, shining brightly too many to count,
the stars reassure tired me
they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

don’t be hurt too much..they hug me tight and pamper me
and comfort me,
telling me to go to sleep

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever


My dream is coming. though it is unusual that my one star is bright
it is very bright, even blinding..it comes down to my shoulder
stop being so sad..it holds my hand as it touches me
and gives me a warm hug

Only for today, I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

Very sad title. Because I'm very sad indeed. I dropped 50bucx today. -____- or accidentally gave it to someone when I'm purchasing something? Hmmm not very possible but still, that's why I rummaged through my ugly aunty black pouch.


Take that as a donation. Thanks for picking up my bad luck alright. Love love. (: Shouldn't dwell on sad stuff in life right? (y) 2011 will be smooth-sailing.







So today was very packed. At least in the afternoon.
Went to get my hair stuff (like finally, I think there is only 1ml left in the bottle and I refuse to use it.)
However, the one I usually get is no longer restocking T_____T WHY? They are good stuff!!


So I got two other brands - one of them is organic! (as stated) Not sure whether it's good or not. Haven't try them yet. And some other stuff too, which are random and I'm too lazy to list them all out. If one day I stop being lazy I would do a review on everything I've used. Hahahaha. It would suck anyway whatevs.

Been to many places today, a few of them are amk and bishan.