Dreamcatcher: yet I can't even dream a dream











I FEEL LIKE DYING NOW. TWO HOURS IN BED AND IM STILL WIDE AWAKE. HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE CHEM?!!

ACTUALLY I WANTED TO GET IPHONE AFTER ALEVELS, WHEN I WORK. I CANT IMAGINE MYSELF SURVIVING ON POTATOES IN ORDER TO PAY FOR IT HUR LOL MEHHH. BUT AFTER TONIGHT'S SLEEPLESS NIGHT I DECIDED I NEED IT.


AT LEAST I NO LONGER HAVE TO SMUGGLE OUT TO BLOG/TWEET/ENTERTAIN MYSELF.
NOR WAIT FOR DONKEY YEARS FOR MY PHONE TO CONNECT. (REALLY DAMN SLOW; PISSES ME LIKE MAD MAN)


I DONT KNOW WHETHER IT'S PRE-EXAMS SYNDROME OR OVER-THINKING. BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE AND THE PAST AND I FEEL SHO SAD NAO = CANT SLEEP.
HIAK YA WHATEVS. LUCKILY I'M TEXTING SOMEONE I DONT EVEN BELIEVE IM TEXTING. LIFE IS SO WEIRD, SOMETIMES.


AND THE BIG IRONY IN LIFE: YOU WANT HER YET SHE DON'T WANT YOU. SHE WANTS HIM YET HE DON'T WANT HER.



YEAH, IT'S THAT SHIT (LITERALLY) CLOTTING MY MIND FOR THE PAST GOD-DAMN 2 HOURS.... THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY SLEEP. T_____T



JIELIN YOU BETTER DON'T FALL ASLEEP DURING CHEM TOMORROW IF NOT YES, YOU'LL DIE IN THE SEA I TELL YOU.

OKAY IM ALONE IN THE LIVING ROOM I CAN HEAR PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS AND STUFF. AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT....



LAST THING: IM NOT TIRED, AT ALL.

他说他很爱我，可是每次出去吃饭都要让我等半个钟才到。 每次去的还是同一间餐厅，终于我再也忍不住等待我提出了分手，他低着头说了句：“对不起每次让你等那么久…” 一天我回到了我们吃饭的餐厅发现味道变了，我问老板为什么？老板说以前有个男的总爱来这亲自为女友下厨..

This made me teared...

In front of her, her future
She saw one path separating into the other.
The choice don't vary, it's between the first or the second.
She's left with now, or never.

With each passing second, every step is taken.
With who at the end, that will be another question.

Feed on my self-esteem until none is left








Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
School.
Didn't even realise I didn't blog for quite some time. Weird.

School is so busy nowadays. I will give up computer time for shopping, tv and sleep. Been sleeping before 12. Or 12.30am. Good good.


Got some stuff these few days.
1. Pens
2. Vans
3. Hair stuff. Go B1 chameleon today. Everything 10 for $5. How to resist?!

Not very nice+new but there were some good stuff. Anyhow, I need something other than all the frustrating shit I've been going through. 
Got 20 items in total for $10. Worth it.
Love the zebra print hair tie.



----
Woke up super late today. Rushing like mad. Forgot to bring most of my work fml. Stoning throughout most of the lessons. Mood was horrible.






Sometimes it's pretty hard.

"When someone asked you what's wrong. You couldn't answer because they were the reason"
A quote I can never comprehend, until today.

I'm easily influenced and tend to change my opinion on things if you try to reason it out.


It was driving me crazy because sometimes people don't understand.
The thing is, if I got it wrong once, it's alright, I'd try again. Twice, thrice.. etc. But come to a point when I'm so scared of making any errors deemed "wrong" in their eyes I can't do/like what I want anymore.


People are so quick to pass judgment and they never consider how you'd feel about it.
Even if you dislike something, phrase them in a better way?

Being truthful is good but not to the extent you forget others do have feelings too.
Everyone views different things differently. 



When I open up, people either don't care or judge. So, what's the point?
Extremely weird to come out from my mouth but this is exactly how I feel nowadays.




I'm still a happy girl after everything but maybe just teeny bit less happy.

I FORGOT WHEN I SLEPT PAST 10 ALL THE WAY TO 11!!! all the early tuition and school.

So shiok I want more of it!
Anyhow, if you read my tweets/fb, obviously something happened in the house again yo.

Idk how this is going to stop, or how to handle it anymore. If I post it on fb then quite obvious I want her to read and maybe possibly think a little? Shes on fb most of the time yeah.


And I really dk should I give her that list of all the things she've use. They are not public goods okay. When she consume 1 I've 1 less for myself.  so xi Qi wo because she's so stingy. Every month earn nearly 1k working part time and ALWAYS telling mum how poor she is... Asking them for money for every single shit. Parents expect me to pay my own uni fees? Idk-.- but what's with paying all the shit for her??

Okay this shan't turn into a hate post...


The main point is, despite all this, I'm thinking, should I get something for her as her present? 21. It's a pretty big thing. I used to give her present every year when I was younger.. And they are not cheap at all plus things she like. What she buy for both me and my Sid is value dollar things oh yeahhh? Not to mention she just conveniently forget about t. So I stop. Every year it is like this. I get presents, plan birthdays for them and they just forget about 18/5z. This is a big deal because do you know how much I really look forward to it. Even a simple cake and waking up to a bear keychain. But things will never be the sane?



Middle chIld-___-

This is what you get when I can't sleep. To be more specific, I don't want to.
 Followed 1 pretty sad tumblr. So this is why.
Anyhow, they are pretty meaningful.

I like this a lot.

Yea. The few posts are all.... mixed-feelings-kinda-posts.
Weird but that's how I feel. Happy. Sad. Shall call it Hapad (LOL -_-)
Okay it's hitting 4am now. Gonna hit the sack and wake up at 6am for some shows before planning my revision.

Title pretty explained it all.

Today, 6 bad things happened to me.
Actually, I know something bad is going to happen la. Just that it was a little too much to take.


#1. Had a bad dream. Well, considered...? My dream was happy, blissful, perfect but the moment you pluck open your eyes and see 6:52am on the clock, you know number 1, it's all a dream -.- and number 2, I'm almost late for school.

#2. I did not study for econs. There is supposing a mirco test today but it is postpone to tomorrow.

#3. Slim chance to UK. Haizz. So I went to splurge on some things I've been wanting to get.

#4. My napfa is silver. I don't know what's wrong with the school system, seriously. 1 moment: you cannot take your mock run results another moment: you can choose your best set eg. actual run's timing and mock test 5 stations (That's what I chose la) but ite they took the whole mock test one and I ended up with a silver. I can't hide the disappointment. Seriously, my mood instantly dampened as though I fell into an endless pit... or something near that. It's like something you worked hard for slipped by.... from your hands. Right from your hands. If I don't care I wouldn't have ran like hell already.... So much for choosing the best results out of two. -_____-. Mock=26points=Silver. Actual=25points=Gold. Dumb or dumb? Okayz they should do something about it.

#5. I pulled out my nail (by a little) during PE.
Very hard to explain but here's a.... sketch? 


It's wasn't that painful until nearing the end of PE lesson. I painstakingly passed/catch the ball okay.
After rinsing it the pain factor magnified.

Wtf actually I cried because of it la. wthwthwth.
Because I go pull my nail up a little, see the wound (as described above, if you can understand), and started to feel guilty/pity myself/whatever. So down to the point I just cried. Like -____- only.

Actually quite okay one but the moment they asked hahahaa I can't control. You know the feeling? You know when people actually care you cry even louder? The ironic thing is if no one cares you will feel super depressed. Life.
Or me? :(


#6. I forgot.

Went to grab some random stuff after that. (Y) hk file.
Finally got it. Chose for xxx hours in CC.


Ohh I feel happy again. Mood swing much.  Proven. 10 more days to period. I think.

Heyhey do you think I should change my url to it-is-still-her.......?
I'll probably get banished to the borders of the Earth if I do. 
Btw. I still love my friends, a lot! :D (ok super random)

Back from tuition. C: Mass printing of papers. Argh. Waste paper, waste ink, waste resources, waste money, waste electricity, waste time.

But what to do?


:D



Anyhow, been really long since I talked on the phone. Was amazed by my new haos phone. LOOL got loud speaker. Cute.
Heated debate. Yes I think I'm pretty good at crapping out stuff. ^w^Y


'What is the thing you really want to do with your date' was the topic we discussed most of the time. Apparently yy wanted to write a list so she can accomplished them one by one.... when she has a date. That will take a million years ba.

And she refused to write mine in wth. She said I'm weird/crazy/stupid/dumb.
"wear the same sneakers, go out and have fun". I think this is like my dream date or what but she die die also don't want to write it down.  WHHATT WEIRD MEH? WEIRD WEIRD? I THINK IT'S CUTE. Better than your 'pinic beside majestic fountain with white pigeons around?'. Find one in Singapore first. At least mine is feasible alright. :D

YESSSSA! NAPFA. GOODBYE!
It's overrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! Finally. NO MORE NAPFA FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE GOODJOB JIELIN GOODJOB.


Okay la I didn't do extremely well for it but at least I think.... a C? *if not I will stab myself for xyz times with a RSD* (Yay my long-lost weapon)


If nothing goes wrong (BETTER NOT!), I think I can finally say hi to Gold. (Y)

Really thankful to 12A guys for the spur because I wanted to stop/slow down right before the last xxx m.
Thank god they cheered me on!


Dead after run. Went to get revive and agar agar. My favourite snack now! They are sooooooo nice I'm craving for them again!


Btw I wanna eat hokkien mee tmr hahahah a bit random, I know.



There's PE again tmr. GAMMMMMEEEEEEES. ^w^Y


Got refreshments for the guys after our run. Well, they did great too! If you didn't achieve what you want then work harder! There's a 2nd chance y'know!

Trying to install L4D2 and stuff like that! Hard leh. How?


Don't read too much into the text below




Say goodnight晚安 谢谢你陪我一整个夜晚
Close your eyes,be quiet
我明白你有自己的不安 很多来不及我不曾看见
我只遇见你的现在 不管你接受或离开
I hope to stay for a while
除此之外 要你明白 你的笑我真是喜欢看 于是我一次又一次等待
实都还算愉快 除此之外 非常遗憾 你的心我还是打不开
And if you need somebody
我确定我会在 不会走开

So Goodbye晚安 舍不得看你觉得不自在
It’s alright,I’m fine
看起来 这故事会写不完
很多差一点你没有发现 你只认识我的现在 不管你留下或走开
I’m gonna stay for a while

This song always makes me cry :(
But in particular, that one sentence. Hahaa you know which? Guess. :D

This is a super emotional post. So you should only read if you're mentally prepared for it.
Somehow, I wish the person involved will read and do some serious reflections as well.

Read more at your own risk.

Yooooo. I'm too lazy to do a proper (or semi-proper post right now).
Downloading Death Bell now hehehee. :D


Plan for next week:
1. Clear up tuition work asap.
2. Study for block test.
3. Movie?
4. Town/buffet
5. Sleep!


What should I do tomorrow? Library?

Blog later!

I dont even bother to talk about GP. can't finish. my snail-alike reading speed.

a lot of homework but I just reached home. hahahha how?


anyhow, went to cow's field for mj after block test. yea we're that fast.

biggest winner of all. tiles are good. ahh that's cause my life sucks.

nevermind.

wl left and we stayed for dinner.
it's nice. gossiped/chatted. play 1 round of guess the word thingy. sw's is damn funny. I think I'm developing abs hehhe.

slacked all the way to 10+ before heading home. all thanks to yq's dad:D no need t crawl home.


I finally got it off my chest. well, come to think about it, I just mistook it as what I thought it'd be. hope I'll get well soon. lol.



okay now's the real thing: shower and do some work or wake up slightly earlier to do? damn.
econs, physics and chem.

guess I'll start with chem (mrs yap is back) then econs (don't wna disappoint Mdm shen) and then physics. okay sounds good.

Hellllo baby.

6March2011
Went to amk to visit the old haos. Memories.. memories. Took a lot of pictures.
Childhood is the best time of all.
Ate a lot a lot. Really love time there. Comfortable and good.

Visited 4th Aunt's new house. Very near to the station! Can go there regularly le!



That's pretty much it.



7March2011
2 more days to the first exams for block test.
How? I guess I'll read all the notes once and pray somehow or rather I can apply my knowledge on that day itself.



Today, I shall settle all my things.
As in, the bugging problem.
How many times did I say I want to settle it?



Okay I'm going to check cameras out. Fyeah I think I'm getting it.
If I'm not going UK. Or if I got enough cash to spare (Which is nearly impossible).
我发誓不再说谎了 多爱你就会抱你多紧的 我的微笑都假了 灵魂像飘浮着 你在就好了
我发誓不让你等候 陪你做想做的无论什么我越来越像贝壳 怕心被人触碰 你回来那就好了

Hihoo.

Anywaz, I've been sitting around since... 8+? Tuition was cancelled as my student is sick. Plus I ain't free today. Guess I've to make a trip down tomorrow.


Gonna prepare and head out, get some stuff.
Vday is this coming Monday! Nah I'm not exactly excited about it. Physics FA until 6. Plus there's PE. What's there to look forward to?


Hahaaa furthermore..... you know. :D


Nonetheless, I'm getting presents (?) for some. Not buying for dearests this year cause I wouldn't be meeting them, at least for now.



BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU ALL ANYMORE OKAY! (:



I sorta know what I wanna get for them, provided I travel to town, tomorrow.

Had a good shower, cleared my head. Nothing would change even if I'm sad, right?



My back is hurting and I'm getting my Aunt to rub some ointment. Take some painkillers and hope everything would be better tomorrow.


I had dried my toe and after this post I would apply medicine on the nail-less toe, hopefully no infections. Go away ugly bacteria.

Bandaging it after that. Gonna grab some meds and see how it goes. Perhaps visit the doctor on Sat, if I can find a good one.



So please do not step on my toe.



This make me realised I've to treasure and take care of what I've now.
Gonna floss.
Yucks I know. I never floss for 18 years in my life. I'm not exactly sure how too, but it's worth a try.



Starting on my econs after this.

I guess I've to do this.

It's been a year or so in this college. Is IJC good? It's all about perspectives.


Well, I haven't read/seen anyone complaining about IJC (pointing to new J1s. I never talk to any in the first place)


Before O levels I never thought I would end up in IJC. Well, the future is unpredictable, isn't it?

So there's many reasons why I decided to put IJ as my first choice. I'm not going to dwell on that.. Lots of reasons.




A new college. Not impressive. It's up to the people inside to change. 



There's a lot to learn, a lot to do. Improvements to be made, policies to be implemented.
Time. She needs time.
Commitment. She needs contributions.
Passion. She needs passion to make everything better.





Remember, don't sulk if you end up here (if you've been doing so). Instead, live with it. Life moves on yea.






PS, I don't deny I complained a lot about this school - from food to notes to even toilet paper. (typical Singaporean Lol) but still, I'm starting to like IJC.

There's good teachers, good friends (12A!) and many people are trying to make IJC a better place.
(Conclusions drawn from several incidents)





It's like Riverside.
(I'm from RSS btw)



Initially I was complaining, whining, etc etc about this school. I don't like RS at all. (I vaguely remember)


And now what? I miss RS like crazy.
Ice-cream day, half-day cause of good results/awards, super good teachers, cute people, ultra nice and good canteen food (CHINESE RICE YAYAAA). Lift (no lift in IJC -.-), benches and many many more.

I'm trying to cherish my last moments in IJC. Make them the best. 
Cause I'm sure I would miss it this time, next year.



Love, JieLin.

我错了。爱过，爱过

Hey monday blues.
Was pretty excited for lectures and learning during Assembly today but everything died not long after.

Got back my chem FA. Well, flunked beautifully. Have so much things to do! Been slacking for the past few hours. I am going to shower and finish my Maths! Hmmm.


Actually you can't count me as slacking. I'm preparing for the new year.
Went to Yishun for hair cut, realised the one I went to a while ago closed down, travelled to Khatib and you know what? The one I wanted to try is fully booked. Haizxzz.

In the end I've to visit the usual one. Didn't want to go back to that place cause it's hell expensive. But well, I did it anyway.


Wanted to trim like 1cm but in the end a good old 5cm or so came off. She gave me straight cut and I really don't like it so I altered the shape.
Cut my fringe as well and finish up with straightening.


Really dont like the smell so I'm washing my hair. She told me to wait 1 day or what but I can't stand it anymore. Overwhelming.


I've nobody to blame if the locks turned out to be less straight, wavy, curly or whatsoever. I didn't listen to instructions anyway.



My bangs are loop-sided so please don't laugh at me okay. I'm growing them out.


Last thing, I'm not going to wear my specs for a while, until my bangs got longer.
I look like a dory now. T_____T


Ohhh! Gave the present! :D Failed ninja attack :( Am I really bad at stuff like that?
Hard to give someone surprise leh! And hard for people to make me happy.
I sorta, lost the definition. Till then.